Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
