The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
