No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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