I wish I could teleport
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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