I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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