When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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