Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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