this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
