i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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