I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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