Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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