Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
