How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
