Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
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She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
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Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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