It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
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I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
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Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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