I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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