I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
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