yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
