I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
