Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
