It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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