apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
