She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
