there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just googled if crying burns calories
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
