I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
