Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Randomize
