I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You are a genius and a whore.
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
