Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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