We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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