cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
