Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I have fence marks all over my body
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