My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
