I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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