I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
