I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
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He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
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Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize