And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I need help removing her.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
