Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Actions speak louder than pants.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
