My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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