i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
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This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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