Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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