No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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