I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
