she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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