R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
