I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Couch. On fire.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
