My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
