At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
