I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So I just went to clothing optional bar
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We need to get me chipped asap
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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