So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
