Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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