I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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