Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
