you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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