She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
