Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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