the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
