I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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