I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
