i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
