So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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