I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
